The Advantages of Being Fat
In my life, I’ve been as skinny as a stick, as fat as a tick, and everywhere in between. And I’ve learned that although Cosmo Magazine and my cardiologist would both insist that there are far more advantages to being skinny, there ARE certain benefits in being fat that no skinny person can truly appreciate:
1. Fat People are Harder to Kidnap
I have a favorite refrigerator magnet that reads just that. (I bought it, appropriately enough, at a truck stop in Oklahoma.) And it’s true: you might be able to easily trunk a 90-pound soccer mom without even breaking a sweat, but if you’re planning to catch yourself a sturdy, stout 300-pounder, you’d better pack a lunch and bring some help. (And don’t get me started about dismembering the body!)
2. Fat Floats
I’m no historian, but I have a theory that the “Unsinkable” Molly Brown survived the Titanic precisely because her body fat kept her afloat until she was rescued. I’ve often tested this theory myself — when I was young and thin I’d sink like a stone in the swimming pool, but these days I bob happily to the surface every time. So I take comfort in the fact that if I ever find myself thrown into the North Sea from a capsizing ocean liner, I’ll be just fine floating along (and probably eating a sandwich) until the Coast Guard comes.
3. Ten Pounds Ain’t Shit
When my skinny friends moan and fret about gaining ten pounds (often pointing to their cute little tummy bulges as proof), I just roll my eyes. At my size, gaining ten pounds is just like adding another coat of paint — a barely perceptible change that hardly deserves comment. This is quite refreshing, actually: while you skinny people are pouting and worrying over every little ounce you ingest during the Holidays, I can stuff myself stupid with no one the wiser. Even my fat pants won’t complain.
Could you please pass the gravy?
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Okay! Your heading for #1 had me laugh out loud! I said the exact same thing to my family when I took off on my first vacation completely alone (they watched Ransom the day before I left), and I’m glad to say I’m still here. I’ve been telling #2 to everyone for years, also adding that not only does my fat keep me floating, but it also makes the cold lake or ocean water they’re too chicken to dip their toes into just lovely for someone with an extra layer of insulation. I have no opinion on #3, but that’s just ’cause it’s been years since I knew or cared about the exact number of my carbon butt-print.
LMAO! I think your comment was better than my blog!